do you know how difficult it is to feel secure in your looks and personality and overall self when absolutely no one has ever shown any interest in you whatsoever like yeah you shouldn’t base all of your self-confidence on other people but still there’s like always that irritating little voice inside of you that tells you that you’ve never been worth a second glance or getting to know for anyone and you can try to ignore it all you want but it’s still there
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” into your car’s side mirror three times and watch her jog and try to keep up.
Being a dick even to demons
1) My best friend of six years would go weeks without talking to me. When I called her out on it, she told me it was my fault. I never found this story important enough to tell my therapist that my mother forced me to see after I spent two weeks in bed crying about you, but at one point, it seemed like a better option than silence, so I told her. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Do you realize that since age 5 you have been taught to blame yourself?” I didn’t cry myself to sleep that night. Just stared at the ceiling for eight hours straight with a new found fire in my heart.
2) In my freshman year of high school, my English teacher assigned a project on independent reading. I was ecstatic until he said we would have to present our projects to the class. Every day I would show up early and beg him to let me skip my presentation, not wanting to handle talking with passion to closed ears, and one morning, his expression softened. I really thought he was about to cave, but he asked me, “Why are you under the impression that the very thing you want to say isn’t worth saying?” And if I’m being honest, it’s because of you.
3) I keep to myself. I’m always bottling up whatever I’m feeling and saving it to spill onto the pages once I get home. My best friend is lucky when she gets a few words out of me, but last night, I was slightly drunk and extremely broken, and I finally gave her the venting session she always wanted. After pouring out my twisted thoughts, I waited with a restless heart for her to get up and leave, but instead she squeezed my hand and whispered, “You always said he broke your heart. That’s the understatement of the century. He fucking tore it out of your chest and went at it with a chainsaw. I never knew that.” I didn’t, either. You had assured me that was exactly what love was supposed to feel like.
4) On my way home, I ran into an almost lover. Despite the bitchy way I had shut him out suddenly, I never had any regrets about it until then. I mean, I knew he was kind of an asshole. Seeing him made me trip over my own feet, and he reached out to steady me, before saying with as much sincerity as one can muster into their voice, “I hope you’re doing well. I worry about you a lot.” I swear on everything I live for my chest collapsed at those words. He had never done anything to hurt me, and even after I hurt him, he was still concerned about me. I fell into a puddle of regret in the instant that I realized I had done to him exactly what you did to me. And after feeling that, I don’t know how you live with yourself.
5) Today I sat with my drunk cousin at a family party as he spat about the government and work industry for two hours straight. I laughed along and ignored the alcohol on his breath until my father intervened, separating me from him. As I sat alone on the porch step after being forced away from the one person who paid me any attention that day, my grandmother walked up and gave me a once over before saying, “You really do attract the most toxic people, don’t you?” And that was when I realized that one way or another, you would have stumbled into my life, even if I hadn’t been alone at the mall that night. When it came to us, I never stood a chance.